first times

there is something so pure about seeing people do things for the first time.

like my friend who came to visit me from the states pouring her first cup of espresso on vanilla ice cream. her first affogato ever. or eating a frozen soft persimon for the first time. green tea red bean shredded ice. the pure joy and delight on her face. the fascination with things that seemed so ordinary to me but were completely new to her.

seeing her made those ordinary things special again.

i liked it. how i started to enjoy the most trivial things as if they were some sort of rarity.

it hits me again how two people can be looking at the exact same thing

and still have totally different interpretations and appreciations of what's observed.

i need to look at things as if it's for the first time.

for the first time.

a life worth living. a life with You.

Day in, day out, going through the motions.
You wake up, you lie down again, your second alarm rings, you turn in off, and reluctantly peel yourself away from your bed.
Another day has begun.

How do you feel?
This will determine your attitude throughout your day, and whether you will have a good day or not. Even before your day has officially begun, the end is determined, just by the way you look at it.

If you don't wanna wake up because you don't want to face another day filled with its own problems, then you have already lost the battle of seizing what joy the day holds for you.

God has prepared a blessing for each day. The question is do you have the eyes to see it? Recognize a good thing when you see it?

I took this path knowing that God wanted me to be here. I took this path, knowing that it would lead me to where I wanted to be the most--where God is moving. I was filled with such hope and expectation. With what amazing things would happen so soon.

But when I didn't stay connected to my source, I started to wither.
I had no energy to tackle the issues of the day.
Being faithful to the present became difficult and I found no satisfaction in my everyday moments. At least not enough to keep me going.
and I have to keep going. all the time.

I don't want to face my day because I don't have the assurance that I can solve every problem that awaits me. If I make the wrong choice, someone will be disappointed. If I fail, someone will be let down.

I had more faith in my failure and weakness
than I did in His strength and perfection.

I forgot who I was supposed to be with.
I forgot who was with me the whole time.
who promised to never leave.

sometimes I feel like I want to be back on the road not taken.
sometimes I wonder, what am I doing here, with people I have so little in common with?
sometimes I feel loneliness I cannot stand and try to fill it with things that never satisfy.
but I realize...
what you feel is not always real.
what you feel can be so deceptive.

and the only true thing is His word.

"The words I speak to you, they are spirit and they are life."

So I quit facebook. I listened to your Rhema instead. and now I have strength to believe again.
To run again with the vision you've given me in my heart.

I AM bearing fruit.
I AM making a difference.
I AM change.ing.lives.
I AM. living a life worth living.

Because I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.
I know a life for me myself and I will never satisfy my appetite for you.
and you said, "If you love me, feed my sheep."

So I will love with the love you have poured inside my heart.
Not to be loved in return.
But to function in my God given nature.
To be who I am. A lover of Christ. A lover of people.
I will do what I was designed to do.

thank you that I have you with me, the one who knows the solution to every problem.
You are the answer to my question, my reason for being,
the meaning, the one true thing in my life worth living for.

I will stay connected to the vine.
I will not forget what you have brought me out of.
the life I could have lived if it wasn't for you.
what you have saved me from.

Let us look unto Jesus, the author, perfector and finisher of our faith.
What He has started, He always completes.
He who has begun a good work in you, He shall perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.
I will not give up this race.
I will not.
and I will run it and finish it
with pure joy and delight.

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind wherey ou belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret

Though winds of change are blowing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love

...

One less lonely girl.

Today I was in the bus 8251 heading home from kangnam, and inevitably stuck in Seoul rush hour traffic. I was supposed to be at my first physical training session by 9pm. I was still an hour away at 8:15. Missing a single session without prior notice is an automatic cancellation of that class. 40$ wasted. I could make it late and receive training only if the person scheduled after me is late.

So it's dark outside, I'm in this bus full of people. There's a woman sitting next to me and I can't help but feel the teardrops on my cheeks. Over missing one gym session? I was upset that this is my first impression on my trainer and that she might possibly think that I was an unreliable flaky trainee. But I believe there was more to my tears.

Usually when I react like this to something that seems insignificantly small and trivial, I think about why. Something else is bothering me. Actually, many things are bothering me.

I have very high expectations of myself. I'm running a school, expected to bring up Korean students' english levels up to par with their peers in America. I'm a cellgroup leader expected to spiritually nourish and care 9 girls and multiply in due time. I also do some faith material translating on the side for my parents' publishing company. I know I'm called to each role at this moment in time. There are obvious goals set for each of those roles and achieving them requires me to use every moment of my life wisely. I realize that all that free time I had wasted during my student years were very valuable times indeed, which I lack so much of now. All these roles require every ounce of my being and honestly, I'm not where I want to be in any of them.

I want to change so many things in my life.
I hate feeling like I have no control over it.
I hate that the same new year's resolutions keep repeating over and over again
and that my words are losing substance.

"You've been saying that for 6 years!"
how horrible. how awful.
to lose substance in what I say.

But the truth is I CAN do something about it to cause change.
The results are just not as immediate as I'd like them to be.

As I'm feeling pathetic, crying in the bus full of strangers (not sure if anyone noticed), I could hear God answering me in his non-vocal way that only He can speak to me.

"Just one at a time. One at a time, my dear."

No need to do it all at once.
and no need to do it all by yourself.
one step at a time.
baby steps.
in the right direction, with my hand in my father's.

In the bus full of strangers,
in the rush hour seoul traffic,
in golden foggy lights of the dark streets reflected on the bus windows,
as He gave me the comfort that only He can give me right when I needed it most,
I realized
there's one less lonely girl in the world.




He is the God of all comfort.
My comfort.
The very comfort that I need.